To my best friend:

To my best friend,

Thanks, but despite what’s always been the plan,

if I get hit by a bus or something,

call the ambulance FIRST now.

No need to erase my browser history,

delete my texts or scour my place for anything

which might embarrass me or my family anymore.

I’ve changed my ways.

And if they arrive too late,

be sure to give my kids the letters I wrote them

and tell them I’ll see them again someday.

Oh, and please hug them really tight

and tell them it is from me, k?

You’ve always been there for me, thanks.

And by the way, you can have my phone and computer.

I know where I’m going

and the book never mentioned wi-fi.

Bye, for now.