Questions for Heaven

Only a handful of days each year are endowed with such magic you can savor their flavor as if they were cherry picked direct from the pages of the calendar just for you. And for days and years to come, they occasionally fall back into your lap again as a pleasure to rediscover.

Under the shade of a summer afternoon mulberry, it was one of those days.

The brunch menu of cold finger sandwiches, summer fruits and sweet iced tea laid in the shade of our quilted blanket while overhead, the azimuth of the sun foretold the end of summer and a welcome slide into cooler autumn breezes and the ensuing holiday season. It was one of those days creation designed for reminiscing.

Friends since age 12, as of that day we had accumulated over 40 years of stories together and apart, each awaiting its turn to be told as we laughed off one after another in a succession of awful punchlines. Memories of our times being kids fortunately never really fade away. They were formative of who we were to become, and today stood as beacons that even back then, our lives meant something and are now lighthouses that guide us home again.

“Did you ever in a million years think we’d have taken the paths to where we are now?” She choked a little on a toasted tuna with mayonnaise too warmed by the sun but washed it down with the juice of cantaloupe slices. Heidi was always a lady. Well, most of the time. Okay, on occasion.

Our paths we once or twice imagined might lead down a road “together” took some sharp, unexpected turns later in life and had indeed turned out remarkably divergent, but today we were reconverging on a soft patch of tall grass in the park under a celestial summer blue sky. We both had grown into and beyond our middle ages and waistlines so nothing was off limits. Nothing ever was. We were affectionately known as Heffah and Skinny and we helped each other through everything from family problems to girl and boy problems, but mostly the boy problems we later discovered we both shared.

Our banter never left any topic completely narrated before the other jumped in with a better one. We didn’t need to finish.  We knew the endings. But the lunch hour was passing quickly as the sun yearned for a final burn before we resigned the late afternoon to the coming sunset and ourselves back to the real world which, for hours, seemed to be wonderfully so far away.

“You know, Donnie, (only a choice few are privileged to still use that name in public,) she concluded, “We chose our own paths but never lost each other.” We made the subtle gestures of tidying to begin packing up our tiny spot on the grass. She was right, of course, but her comment wasn’t the kind you simply abandon simply because lunch was over.

If we had chosen our paths rather than our paths being chosen for us, was an important question for heaven that needed an answer.

We closed another book co-authored by best friends until the next time, hugged, pecked and made our vows for another lunch in a couple weeks. After all, four decades apart would take a lot of lunches in the park to fully digest.

But I left preoccupied by that lingering question as I waved and watched her drive away and thanked God for the reunion.

“Questions For Heaven.” I played the song by Chris Rice teary-eyed as I navigated home. Someday, I’ll meet this incredible lyricist whose music has always inspired my deepest personal reflections.

That night in bed was one of those dark nights when you don’t know whether to roll over and write your thoughts for the morning or think up some quick memory trick to trigger you when you awake to its monumental importance in need of answers.

I fell asleep.

The question Heidi had provoked that afternoon about how and why paths are taken nagged. I’m sure such private questions are not unlike your own in some way– the kind we’ve all asked ourselves while lying on our backs in a park one day at the edge of summer.

I believe the answers to the biggest “whys” of our lives are prepackaged within a future heavenly welcome gift, picked out specially for each of us, adorned in sheets of gold and giant ribbons and bows with tiny notes that read:

“Welcome to Heaven. Before you come and see Me, please open this welcome gift.”

Within, I expect to find for me a set of detailed hand-drawn blueprints.

Turning the pages diagramming the chronology of my life from birth to that day, I have imagined little blue penciled arrows pointing to particular people and events and moments I scarcely recall and at the time, deemed utterly insignificant. The legend at the foot of each page will include the brilliant and brief soul-satisfying descriptions of how my life impacted and was, in turn, impacted and unknowingly intertwined with the lives and destinies of thousands if not millions of others. I expect it will show exact moments and actions of myself upon others and vice versa. The icon faces of all the people I had ever encountered and how each spun his and her own stories on other pages in other wrapped boxes awaiting their arrivals to open and discover for themselves the perfect answers to the questions they took to the grave but are now revealed and settled.

I followed the path up to the great throne room where I would spend my eternity.

“Any more questions?”

“Nope. I just don’t understand why all the lifetime of mystery.”

“The questions, Don, are much less satisfying as the effort you make to answer them. I know you labored hard because you had a lot of those little arrows on your blueprints pointing to others who you helped and who in turn helped you. Each was the beginning of an answer to a question of another and your help was greatly appreciated.

So, come rest now, sit with me. I have sandwiches, fruit, tea, a nice blanket and an endlessly blue summer sky for us to enjoy before She arrives once again to join us.”

Mrs. Nimmo

Each of us has that one teacher who showed us the valuable difference between just going to school and loving education itself.
Who taught us excellence over mediocrity, passion over passivity and the fine art of learning how to learn for ourselves instead of regurgitating yet another someone’s thoughts and beliefs.
Who soothed our painful rejections at the hands of bullies, listened to our deepest revelations after hours, and was in every front row of every event to cheer us on to victory.
Who after our school days were over and life learning was just beginning, kept touch with invitations to their own family dinners like you always belonged and insisted you call them by their first name as awkward as it seemed.
Much older now with faded memories and eternities in view, by pure serendipity they come back into your life once again, and again you’re the student thankful for so many differences she made in your life that she will never fully understand but for which she is fully responsible.
And now the most sincere words I can muster are thank you, Mrs. Nimmo. 

Anyone, everyone.

Some days forever change your perspective.

“You got a card,” said the receptionist on her rounds about the office, tossing a small pink envelope with no return address on my desk at lunchtime. Busy working through the hour on a difficult project, I could have easily lost it amid the mounds of scattered papers I call my desk.

By the time I was finished, I’d added another wave of my debris to the stacks but the little pink corner peeked out among the mess as if it had climbed itself to the top not to go unnoticed. I grabbed it with my left and gulped a sip of cold coffee with my right.

Nobody sends me cards at work. A pink one at that.

It being just a few days ‘til Valentine’s Day, I sniffed it for perfume but it smelled just like a card, so I tossed it back and went to lunch.

The day had been merciless at our little non-profit that helps people stay housed, fed and plugged in to utilities at critical times of their lives when nobody else cares. Much of my morning had been spent on such cases but I returned from lunch with a salad and what I thought might be some better ideas how to help these people. A dozen more urgent memos had made their way onto my desk during the 20 minutes away but the corner of that same pink envelope had again risen like a phoenix as if were begging to be opened. I notice things like that. My desk may be a fire hazard but I keep snapshots of it in my mind for times like this and I knew that card wasn’t buried where I had left it just minutes earlier.

No return address, I opened it.

“I just want to thank you for all you do for me. Seems we never find the time to say it enough but thank you, I will always remember this day.”

That was it. No salutation. No signature. No return address. Nothing.

Easing back in my chair puzzled as a forensic investigator, I was attempting to recognize the penmanship or some other telltale mark that might reveal the sender’s identity, when it hit me. So many names, cases and contacts I have made over the years. I suppose it could have come from any one of them, or all of them for that matter. I let my mind sort through the register of memories and in doing so, I smiled, realizing the absolute brilliance of this one anonymous pink envelope author.

He or she wasn’t satisfied with just paying it forward as so many get noticed doing these days. Buying someone’s coffee or meal, pitching in a buck when someone comes up short at the checkout, all are wonderful displays of a caring humanity, but the power held in this tiny, pink, anonymous card trumped them all.

Its anonymity had the power to change the world, or at least one person’s perspective of it.

For the remainder of the day, while doing my work, I imagined names and faces of possible senders and individual reasons for their thankfulness. It could have been pretty much any one of them. By 6pm when I walked out of my office for home, the entire experience had changed me.

The cluelessness of that lunchtime mystery had put a smile on my face that remained all afternoon.

That brilliant anonymous author of the pink envelope never meant their identity to be known.

They meant to be Anyone or Everyone.

I tucked the pink card from Anyone in the corner of my bulletin board, turned out my light, and said goodbye to the staff in what had become a lovely ending to a difficult week.

I began my weekend with a smile and a stop at the store to pick up postage and a few blank little pink cards of my own.

Rest in peace, John.

John died on Monday.

Rather, he was found Monday having died of natural causes at 83 alone on the floor of his studio apartment some time the prior week.

He wasn’t a great man, just an average one, but always so thankful to have a visitor. However ten months without had proved long enough to bring him to his knees and then to the floor for the last time.

He was a praying man and quite poor. He ate one meal a day and slept most of the other time. He remained indoors prohibited from seeing neighbors for fear of catching a virus he was convinced would kill him.

Ten months he was safe but at such a high cost, and there will be no funeral or memorial at which I can thank him for being my friend and where I too was perhaps his only one.

But I know he’s not alone.

There are thousands more just like him who will also pass quietly and without notice until finally found one day by a friend, the irony being that a friend is what John needed all along.

using is losing.

I lost a friend last night who’d been missing for many years. He was stabbed at the hands of another addict promising to make him feel better. Killed by a tiny bubble of nothing that punctured and invaded his tormented heart, ending all hope he would ever be found. I will both miss him and forever wonder at the price he paid for his peace.

the right thing.

There are probably just as many stories about someone doing the right thing and winning as there are about someone doing the right thing yet losing. Both stories are inspiring not for their outcomes but for their decisions to deliberately do what is right, regardless the outcome. When we do the right things, their ensuing outcomes diminish in importance to the moral of the story. The doing of the right thing is itself, the inspiration. Outcomes are too often overrated mostly by those who don’t live by faith, destining them to learn nothing about still being joyful among unknown endings.#DoTheRightThingRegardless

loneliness.

By the end of this virus–if ever– the volume of stories, studies and literature on the concurrent epidemic of loneliness will be up 1000% or more, yet leading us no closer to a remedy.

Loneliness isn’t due to this virus. Loneliness was an epidemic long before Wuhan. Trying to make meaningful connections with others in this metropolis of gated communities, crime, politics, hate, mistrust and self absorption has been a wildfire spreading rapidly through society for the past 50 years or more. The pandemic just added new fears and new rules to punctuate a plague already rampant before the pandemic with a huge exclamation point.

So now suddenly a rush of researchers and armchair psychologists are reporting on what the consequences of a year of isolation without physical affection might mean to us in both the short and long term as if it were some new phenomenon.

Lonely people are among us everywhere from generations of abandoned elderly to street kids turned prostitute just to survive. But as ailments go, loneliness doesn’t often become of particular interest until it’s a thread woven into your own personal story. Befriended, familied, and connected folks with vital relationships have little incentive to comprehend what they’ve not experienced. And lonely people often keep to themselves making it an awkward, uncomfortable mission for those who might actually have the desire to intervene. It’s no fun being lonely and trying to help can be depressing if and when possible at all. We all feel lonely at times but most can muster self-soothing thoughts and actions to overcome the difficult but temporary condition. Loneliness however, is a pervasive pattern of acquiescence to a long term existence with no one to whom they can appeal within arm’s length. Huge difference. Huge.

Here in a nation equipped to treat almost any illness, little time or resources go to help this hidden, silent cohort who wouldn’t even know who to complain to if they spoke up about their plight. Finding them is easy, it’s connecting with them that takes persistent effort. Their condition is so severe, at the start of treatment they find it hard to interpret your kindness and visibility as genuine. For too long, they’ve grown accustomed to isolation but your consistency can erode that belief. We are all our brothers’ keepers called to visit the darker places with the light of hope and compassion too many can’t ignite for themselves.

Meanwhile, let the writers write their analyses in their journals while the altruist writes in person directly on hearts of the afflicted.

Unintended consequences.

Distance makes the heart grow.

No, nothing’s missing there. Not a word.

I just spent 3 days in Facebook jail for unknowingly violating one of Zuck’s arbitrary new rules. It made no sense whatsoever except that it afford me time for what became some valuable moments of serendipity.

It only took a brief distance from my social media addiction to realize its toxicity to some already neglected things in my life that actually mean so much more but have received so much less of my attention these past few years.

I’m not getting any younger, and evaluating where I want to spend my remaining 10-20 years…and on what…well, I realized social media is far, far down on the list of options.

My constant stream of jokes and puns may invoke your occasional chuckle but they won’t matter to you or anyone else in the long haul when there are so many more ways to show how I want to be remembered or on whom I might leave better, more important impressions after I’m gone.

Three days distance has made my heart grow and my appetite for storytelling insatiable. It’s what I enjoy most, even more than humor.

To that end, I won’t be so dramatic as to delete my accounts or make anymore statements against social media’s new rules, but you’ll be finding a lot fewer posts from me, and with my attention on more felevant and eternal topics of our human condition, hopefully a lot more stories to make you think, feel and ponder while on the toilet. All jokes aside—literally—I think my short stories will make some lasting impressions.

You’ll find 250+ older shorts and every new story posted on my website at LifeMeansSoMuch.com

After all, it really does.

#LifeMeansSoMuch

#storytelling

#HaveIGotAStoryForYou

Front of the line.

When did I move to the front of the line?

Not so long ago I was playing softball, riding bikes and buying far more wedding gifts than sympathy arrangements. Then both parents died within a couple years of one another suddenly leaving me holding the eldest branch of my family tree, unprepared and at more of my own doctor visits than walks in the park.

I started being more careful climbing ladders and began taking fewer risks and chances with the advancing march of mortality. It all came more clearly into view and way sooner than expected. And I wasn’t alone. Coffee conversation with peers and friends became more talk of empty nests, punctuated by pill counts and nagging pains like nomads that shift and move with the weather or for no reason at all. When did I move to the front of the line where the old people used to stand? You can’t even take a number here anymore. I suppose they just call when the luck runs out and yours is up.