For me, it started one day at the home of a new acquaintance when I shared how my sleeping disorder makes me fall asleep all day and that Provigil, the prescription medication for it, was $1,800/month.

He said he had an alternative that was much less. I know he meant well, but that was the very first time I smoked a bowl of meth, which miraculously and immediately woke me up then kept me up for days looking for more.

Fast forward to today after 10 years inescapably hooked and now nearly 13 years clean, the news of his passing was sad enough, but the news he never escaped the special hell of addiction was even moreso.

He was a good man, clever, funny and I always considered him a smart and resourceful guy.

Though I haven’t seen nor heard from him in what seems like a decade, his face and voice were distinctive enough I can even now see and hear him.

All I’m left with is a gnawing wonder and sadness what might have become of him had I sought him out to return him the favor of freedom that I had found in sobriety.

Too little too late as they say.

It’s kept me up most of this night and as I often do, my feelings pour out in words on a page which won’t bring him back nor the chance to find him before it’s too late.

Returning home from my Celebrate Recovery meeting I realized that regrets like these are the sordid products of sobriety but even so, have blessed me with the rest of my life.

My means of escape from drugs was so much easier than his.

The “if onlys” however, are inescapable.